Seeing how everyone else's photos look so happy, fun, cool, accomplished, active, etc -- all the positive aura you can name.

It's been two frickin' years, Mr T. I still hate Canada. I still am bitter. I still feel alone. I still feel lonely. I still feel not happy. I still feel neither black nor white. The dialectic of things is not working.

A part of me wants to drown in tears, and the other part just wants to slash my wrists or drown myself in sleeping pills. Everyone else's life looks happy. It's like a race to the finish line. The first quarter, I was prancing and running along my peers. On the second quarter, I was still with them, but not quite. The third quarter, I'm running at the same pace as the others, only a bit behind. And now for the fourth quarter, I just stumbled because of a gum I stepped on. I can't get my feet back into running. Everyone else seems to be unreachable, and even if they were reachable, I just gave up.

Most of the blame may be on me, but my agency is gravely affected by everything else that's happened to me. Come March/April of 2009, watch me die. )=

Two months without posting anything at all. Yeah. Two months. I can't say more about how I've been neglecting everything and everyone around me. My world revolves around my online game and it's been like that for 3 months. Yea. Three freaking months. And still, I am not bored with it. Somehow, I think it's a comforting thing to do or whatnot, but in reality, all that I have really is an online game.

I've met so many people by now. Most of them have become my friends on a first name basis, the others I occasionally say "hi" to whenever I see them on raids or stages. A few I am not in good terms with because 1) they are annoying spammers at square; 2) they hoard me for stuff that I have to sell to them (which I don't do on a regular basis for the simple reason that I practice reciprocity especially with my guildmates); and 3) they glitch an 8-people side stage (Kanhel, for all those who may know gLunia). <.<

On on the latter, I have another rant which happened earlier this morning (1-2am-ish). Some players are just wussy about it. I know I am not pro about the stupid darn game, but god are the freaking noobs outnumbering people like myself, who wants to make the game somewhat less boring. What I do is lure (which is a glitch in itself -- talk about hypocrisy -- but with better things to do) and a lot of people that I do Kanhel with lately just want to glitch it. I mean, dammit, everyone is pass the minimum level requirement for the stage and yet, they are making a wuss about it being hard. Yea sure it's hard for first timers who don't know how to play it the way we usually did it in my generation (the earlier generation, the pros, didn't even lure at all). What makes me even more sad is, the upcoming generations of Kanhel raiders are so reliant on glitching that they don't know how to do it the harder way. <.< Earlier, the party I was in even made a vote to expel me from the stage. Two of my guildmates and one of the other healers (who knows that I am not glitching it) said "no" so the vote was tied and I stayed. Apparently, they just left and remade. Damn them. I don't care. I kept asking myself and my guildmates if I was horrible that way, they said people just don't understand.

See how my world revolves around the virtual world? It's sad isn't it? There's this mini-series on youtube (search "watchtheguild") that really nails the point of my diversion from reality. Yea sure, I have 2 volunteer jobs, a freaking job, and full-time university studies, but the game takes a lot of my time and life nowadays. I don't even talk to my friends IRL anymore. I use a lot of "LOLs" and other jargons I have never thought I'd use. Even my boyfriend's ticked off at me. <.<

I need serious help. Not from anyone, but from myself. I need to help myself.

It's so hazy outside when I went to school. I had a midterm for Psych just now. I think I'm dropping the course. What would I rather have: a C/D or an F on my report card or less stress?

At home, family dynamics are running semi-smooth. My parents just won't say anything, which somewhat worries me. My spending most of my hours playing the game is really bugging them but now they've stopped caring - somewhat. They still give me the occasional sermons, but not as heavy as before. They grew tired of it. And I feel worse.

Ok, I admit. It's become an addiction. An addiction so strong, I know it hurts me in a lot of ways (not to mention my real life relationships), but I can't readily stop it.

.....

Help?

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It's so hazy.

....

I don't know anymore if it's a way to cope up with the depression that I am not at home in this freaking place, or it's simply just a way to kill myself - slowly but surely.

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Crying doesn't help anymore. What do moppets do when that happens?

.....

Sure, I have "friends" on Lunia, but they're still online characters. People whose avatars I only see; reality wise, if I die, they won't even know. They probably will forget about fLinty's existence a few months (if I'm lucky), while I can remember everything (even my guildmates admit to that).

....

It's so hazy. All I can see are distorted figures from afar.